Deep conversations in SO.

Super-Saiyan Bear Grylls Inner Chakra Strength Spam...from TechFoolery!

(Note: This spam has been graciously forwarded from Mrs. Ashley Esqueda, host of Techfoolery. Many thanks!)

Hello Dearest,

I am writing this mail to you With due respect trust and humanity, i appeal to you to exercise a little patience and read through my letter i feel quite safe dealing with you on this important business having gone through your remarkable profile, honestly i am writing this email to you with pains, tears and sorrow from my heart, i will really like to have a good relationship with you and i have a special reason why i decided to contact you, i decided to contact you due to the urgency of my situation, My name is Miss Joyce Romio Yak, 25yrs old female from Southern Sudan in Africa.

My father Dr.Romio Yak was the former Minister of SPLA Affairs and Special Adviser to President Salva Kiir of South Sudan for Decentralization. My father Dr.Romio Yak, my mother including other top Military officers and top government officials where on board when their plane crashed on Friday May 02, 2008 near Juba the regional capital when they were returning from a political conference held in the town of Wau, South Sudan.

Some months after the burial of my father, my uncle conspired with my step mother and sold my father's properties to a Chinese Expatriate. On a faithful morning I opened my father's briefcase and found out documents which my beloved late father used and deposit money at a Bank in Burkina Faso,with my name as the next of kin. I travelled to Burkina Faso to withdraw the money so that I can start a better life and take care of myself. The Branch manager of the Bank whom I met in person told me that my present status does not permit me by the local law to clear money or make a transfer of money into an account, he advice me to provide a foreign trustee who will help me and invest the money or I should wait till when I will get married as it demand by their Authority.

I choose to contact you after my prayers and I believe that you will not betray my trust. But rather take me as your own blood sister. Though you may wonder why I am so soon revealing myself to you without knowing you, well, I will say that my mind convinced me that you are the true person to help me. More so, I will like to disclose much to you if you can help me to relocate to your country because my uncle has threatened to assassinate me. The amount i USD19.8 Million} and I have confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso . You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country.

However, you will help me by recommending a nice University in your country so that I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I receive your interest in helping me, I will put things into action immediately. In the light of the above, I shall appreciate an urgent message indicating your ability and willingness to handle this transaction sincerely. Please do keep this only to your self. I beg you not to disclose it till i come over to you because I am afraid of my wicked uncle who has threatened to kill me.

Sincerely yours,

Miss Joyce Romio Yak

Responded with:

To Ms YAK,

My mind has convinced me, o' niece, that you shall be removed from this planet. Yes, it is I, Uncle Yakmeister Dearest, and I am tracking you in Burkina Faso as we speak. Your futile attempts to escape my wrath of destruction render useless, as my operatives are watching you this very moment. HAHA!

You see, my plans are working out perfectly. I conversed with a Mr. Joseph Gnoleba on constructing the greatest bomb device made of a tritium-3 flux capacitor detonation switch, capable of detonating an entire airplane only with the vicinity of poor Romio's DNA. With his DNA meshing with the molecular dissonance of the bomb, it set a timer to detonate after twenty minutes in the air, perfect for reaching above ten thousand feet when the captain turns off the seat buckle sign and passengers are free to use the lavatory or punch screaming kids.

Romio Yakko was in quite the bad position, as his political prowess was getting far too powerful for our investors to stand. Phone calls galore woke me up at night in cold sweats, as our investors aren't the kind to see their money waft away simply at the commands of a politician. I dodged sniper bullets like Hillary Clinton did in Bosnia. Someone even sent that clown fucker from the SAW movies after me, and he's mailed me videotapes showing what he might do to me if Romio were to stay in power.

Naturally, my sense of self-preservation and super-saiyan Bear Grylls inner chakra strength was channeled into finding Gnoleba, and thus we constructed the bomb. Unfortunately for me, I was unaware that YOU would be up for election for Romio's seat. Yes, it's true, you are next of kin, so the seat goes to you, and now I must remove all remnants of Yaks from the seat. I must admit I am not your blood uncle--I am no Yak. I must rid political seats of power of Yaks--NAY, I must rid the WORLD of them--in order to find the way, the truth, the life of being supreme dictator of the world. DOWN WITH YAKS! YAKS MUST NOT BE ALLOWED TO SIT! I cannot let it happen, dear niece, as too much GOLD is waiting for the PLUNDER!

ALSO--

Always remember to eat your fruits and vegetables.

Love,

YOUR ESTRANGED UNCLE BARON VON YAKMEISTER THE TWENTIETH

The website makes it real.

I am contacting you from my Cell room via the aide of one of the prison guard. My name is Moudjaidou Soumanou, ex-minister of commerce, Benin Republic. I got your contact information from one of the foreign human rights lawyer that visited the prison. My proposal is simple, I have a domicilary account with one of the banks here in Benin republic with the total amount of FCFA 3.5 Billion. I have an insider in the bank that I have already concluded arrangements to have a Gold ATM Card issued on this account. This is the area I will need your assistance because I was advised by my insider that it will be safer and unnoticeable if the ATM is drawn from USA,Europe or Asia. I am ready to offer you 30% and the remaining one will have to be sent to my wife. My family is in Togo and I will tell you what to do if you accept my deal. I have to do something fast before the government links me with the account and thereby freeze it as they froze four of my accounts in Benin Rep. France and Belgium. Mail me back if you are interested in my proposal and you can check this BBC site for my reason of my present location- http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-20043189 This is a long story and I am being framed up for political reasons. Yours faithfuly,

Moudjaidou Soumanou

RESPONDED WITH:

Dear Mr. Moudjaidou...er....Sojdmanjoujihadist

It must be nice using a computer in a cell. I'm using one in my apartment which has had no interior design done. It's simply a cube-shaped studio apartment with a tiny window and some roaches. In fact, my computer hasn't been upgraded at all in the past fifteen years. I'm allowed outside by the people in the white coats every now and then, but other than that it's just me and Crenshaw, the roach that comes around every now and then.

I like your BBC article. It features a lovely and handsome person on the front page. Is this in fact you? How wonderful. You certainly do deserve the money. Keep it, all of it, sir and get your starving family from Togo off the street corners (I used to frequent those, you know!) and back into your home. Hopefully you don't have roaches like Crenshaw.

Be safe,

Shmoozadood Moolajoobert

Happy times.

I think that I will strongly not distract if I write this message? I think that you still check yours e-mail and can sometimes look. I reside in Azerbaijan alone and I have no children. If you still to seeking to yourself for the playmate in a life then we could get acquainted else. As it was not possible to us to have often correspondence on the Internet earlier. Earlier I had some questionnaires on sites of acquaintances. Here Lina and cheerful mood.

RESPONDED WITH:

Here, Charles and happy times.  My emails morning were glorious, I am seeking.  Acquainted.  It is possible for us to often have correspondence Internets.  George W. Bush gave us Internets.  Here, Charles and happy times looks for you, no distraction.  No Whammies.  No children.  No nightmares.  No presents underneath trees in the third world country?  None.  Sometimes I looks at email then think why not?  Champagne.  Glorious champagne, bubbles in the air, on your face, on your body, all over your body, touch my body, body, like Mariah Carey, yes.  Questions?  You have questions.  Charles and happy times has answers.  Give, be one with the earth Lina and cheerful mood, and we will merge as one be it all the glorious nature of the desires what our Lord Baby Jesus.

Charles.  Happy times. 

Grammar fools in love.

Hi my love!!! How are you? At me all is good. How weather at you? I  very much miss on you, my love. You miss on me, my charm? I constantly dream of our meeting with you, my love. I very much want, that when I  have arrived to you We have lead pleasant evening at any restaurant  Also danced slow dance under music. You would like it, my love? I very  much would want it. My dear I it is glad that you want, that I have  arrived to you. But as I wrote you with last letters that I have  arrived to you to me 405 pounds will be necessary to buy the ticket and to arrive to you. My dear I very much wish to arrive to you but I need for this purpose 405 pounds. My dear I hope that you can help me
with money and transmit me 405 pounds that I could will buy the ticket and to arrive to you at date of a birth. You can transmit me 405 pounds? Tell to me when you can transmit me 405 pounds? I so want to embrace you at first our meeting with you, my love. I very much would like to present you a longest kiss, That has felt all sweet of my fine lips. I very much want, that you have felt my gentle and strong embraces. I always dreamed of such person as you, my love. And I very much would like, that we were near to you, my love. I feel the small girl who has fallen in love with you without memory. To me it is very sad without you, without your embraces and gentle, tender kisses. I very much want to be with you, my Prince!!! I so want it!!!! With huge love and with all my tenderness yours Darya.

DEAR DARYA

MY PRINCESS, THANK YOU FOR BEING IN MY LIFE.  MOST WOMEN WOULD NOT DATE A CAPSLOCK MAN LIKE ME.  THEY SAY ITS SHOUTING AND THEY CANT STAND IT WHEN I TWITTER THEM BECAUSE THEY SAY ITS TOO LOUD.  I THINK RUN-ON SENTENCES GO PERFECTLY WITH CAPSLOCK.  I DREAM OF YOU NIGHTLY YES.  I CAN HELP WITH YOUR 405 POUNDS, BUT I MUST GET LIPOSUCTION FIRST AS I CANNOT REMOVE MYSELF FROM MY HOUSE WITHOUT FALLING OVER.  THEN I CAN SHIP TO YOU MY DEAREST A TUB OF MY OWN HOT LARD.  WHEN CAN WE BE TOGETHER?  I DREAM OF HUGGING YOU IN MY MASSIVE, WARM EMBRACE.  THANK YOU FOR LOVING A MASSIVE, CAPSLOCK HUNGRY FOOL THAT I AM.  I WANT TO KISS YOU, BUT MY MANBOOBS ARE TOO BIG FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.  WHEN I REMOVE MY FAT AND GIVE IT TO YOU, THEN I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU MY DEAREST THE KISS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED.  WE WILL BE TOGETHER SOON, EVEN IF MY FAT PREVENTS IT FROM BEING SO.

YOURS ALWAYS,

FATTIE MCCAPLOCK 

Revival of ye olde blog with a BIG BANG.

Dear Friend,
How are you? I hope all is well with your family, friends and pets. I hope this urgent mail meets you in a perfect condition. We have no time to waste regarding the information I am about to tell you, it is an urgent and serious matter.
My name is Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, senior data analyst here at the CERN institute based here in Geneva (http://public.web.cern.ch/public/). CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, is one of the world’s largest and most respected centres for scientific research. Its business is fundamental physics, finding out what the Universe is made of and how it works. You may have seen on the news that, in recent days, our Large Hadron Collider machine has been colliding high-speed beams of energy in order to explore new physics and understand how the universe began. CERN have been adamant that this is safe, however I KNOW THE TRUTH.
The truth is that this experiment that CERN are conducting is extremely dangerous, and could cause global disaster. This experiment has a 95% of causing a black hole, thus swallowing a large area of the planet. The scientists do not want you to know this as they know it will cause panic. However, I can help you.
I am arranging for a number of selected people to be evacuated to a safe location on an island in the South Pacific via aeroplane. You have been selected from random to take part in this evacuation, thus continuing the survival of the human race.
Please, if you are interested, email me back immediately with the following information:
Full name:
Age:
Contact number:
Country:
Email address:
Please send all emails to my private box: From > ***Email removed***
Regards, and God bless.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth

Mr. Fansworth,

You cannot handle the truth, Mr. Fansworth.  Here is why--I, unlike you, am a black hole.  Yes, I am existence that does not exist, I am alpha and omega, I am the center of the universe in which all existence cannot escape.  You cannot escape my wrath, Farnsworth.  You cannot handle the truth.

This email disgusts me.  You say that you can re-create me inside of a particle-smashing tunnel?  Haberdash!  How can you create that which consumes all of existence?  You cannot.  This is a silly musing that makes me laugh.  Here is my proposition to you and your little CERN tunnel:

Cease the operations of your silly play-toys, or else my extreme gravitational pull will eradicate all lifeforms of the universe.  Are you familiar with the spaghetti theory?  Yes, you will be hurled into a center of nothingness so fast that your entire being will be stretched so thin that you'll slip through a colander.  All humans will be pulled into my realm of destruction.  You think you can scamper to the South Pacific?  HA!  Even your sun will be blinked out.  I am unstoppable.  Rethink your craziness and perhaps I won't decide to consume you until another billion years passes.

Sincerely,

The Black Hole
Nowhere in the Middle of Nowhere

PS.  If you find Higgs-Boson, let him know he's a douche.

Secret Code

Reference Number: BEG/2551256008/07
You have won 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) Your electronic email address emerged as one of the Euro million on-line winning email sweepstakes program held on the 27th of September 2010 , in Brussels Belgium. Email Ticket Number X-3007893284-Z Reference Number: BEG/2551256008/07 Draw Lucky Number: 09-22-37-39-41-49-2-7 Batch Number: JPK14/0115/IP, Serial Number: HMML3214-07. Please note that the validity period of the winning is 27th of October 2010

CONTACT: Mr.Philipus Henks TEL: 0032-489-132-178

Reply to Email:euromillions2013@luckymail.com
NB: Please do not mail back through the alert email, contact Mr.Philipus Henks, via email:euromillions2013@luckymail.com

Sincerely,
Mrs. Angela Andreas

Response:

This is 34-Condor. 1137, do you read? This message is corrupt. The ducks are flying westward. The bell is in the pit, and the fireflies have left the garden. I repeat. The ducks are west. The bell is in. Fireflies have left.

Henks, are you contact 35? If 35, you can contact this: N31-DS6-THX-1138-D66-BSNC
Henks, repeat if viable option. 34-Condor out.