Grammar fools in love.

Hi my love!!! How are you? At me all is good. How weather at you? I  very much miss on you, my love. You miss on me, my charm? I constantly dream of our meeting with you, my love. I very much want, that when I  have arrived to you We have lead pleasant evening at any restaurant  Also danced slow dance under music. You would like it, my love? I very  much would want it. My dear I it is glad that you want, that I have  arrived to you. But as I wrote you with last letters that I have  arrived to you to me 405 pounds will be necessary to buy the ticket and to arrive to you. My dear I very much wish to arrive to you but I need for this purpose 405 pounds. My dear I hope that you can help me
with money and transmit me 405 pounds that I could will buy the ticket and to arrive to you at date of a birth. You can transmit me 405 pounds? Tell to me when you can transmit me 405 pounds? I so want to embrace you at first our meeting with you, my love. I very much would like to present you a longest kiss, That has felt all sweet of my fine lips. I very much want, that you have felt my gentle and strong embraces. I always dreamed of such person as you, my love. And I very much would like, that we were near to you, my love. I feel the small girl who has fallen in love with you without memory. To me it is very sad without you, without your embraces and gentle, tender kisses. I very much want to be with you, my Prince!!! I so want it!!!! With huge love and with all my tenderness yours Darya.

DEAR DARYA

MY PRINCESS, THANK YOU FOR BEING IN MY LIFE.  MOST WOMEN WOULD NOT DATE A CAPSLOCK MAN LIKE ME.  THEY SAY ITS SHOUTING AND THEY CANT STAND IT WHEN I TWITTER THEM BECAUSE THEY SAY ITS TOO LOUD.  I THINK RUN-ON SENTENCES GO PERFECTLY WITH CAPSLOCK.  I DREAM OF YOU NIGHTLY YES.  I CAN HELP WITH YOUR 405 POUNDS, BUT I MUST GET LIPOSUCTION FIRST AS I CANNOT REMOVE MYSELF FROM MY HOUSE WITHOUT FALLING OVER.  THEN I CAN SHIP TO YOU MY DEAREST A TUB OF MY OWN HOT LARD.  WHEN CAN WE BE TOGETHER?  I DREAM OF HUGGING YOU IN MY MASSIVE, WARM EMBRACE.  THANK YOU FOR LOVING A MASSIVE, CAPSLOCK HUNGRY FOOL THAT I AM.  I WANT TO KISS YOU, BUT MY MANBOOBS ARE TOO BIG FOR THAT RIGHT NOW.  WHEN I REMOVE MY FAT AND GIVE IT TO YOU, THEN I WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU MY DEAREST THE KISS YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED.  WE WILL BE TOGETHER SOON, EVEN IF MY FAT PREVENTS IT FROM BEING SO.

YOURS ALWAYS,

FATTIE MCCAPLOCK 

Revival of ye olde blog with a BIG BANG.

Dear Friend,
How are you? I hope all is well with your family, friends and pets. I hope this urgent mail meets you in a perfect condition. We have no time to waste regarding the information I am about to tell you, it is an urgent and serious matter.
My name is Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, senior data analyst here at the CERN institute based here in Geneva (http://public.web.cern.ch/public/). CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, is one of the world’s largest and most respected centres for scientific research. Its business is fundamental physics, finding out what the Universe is made of and how it works. You may have seen on the news that, in recent days, our Large Hadron Collider machine has been colliding high-speed beams of energy in order to explore new physics and understand how the universe began. CERN have been adamant that this is safe, however I KNOW THE TRUTH.
The truth is that this experiment that CERN are conducting is extremely dangerous, and could cause global disaster. This experiment has a 95% of causing a black hole, thus swallowing a large area of the planet. The scientists do not want you to know this as they know it will cause panic. However, I can help you.
I am arranging for a number of selected people to be evacuated to a safe location on an island in the South Pacific via aeroplane. You have been selected from random to take part in this evacuation, thus continuing the survival of the human race.
Please, if you are interested, email me back immediately with the following information:
Full name:
Age:
Contact number:
Country:
Email address:
Please send all emails to my private box: From > ***Email removed***
Regards, and God bless.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth

Mr. Fansworth,

You cannot handle the truth, Mr. Fansworth.  Here is why--I, unlike you, am a black hole.  Yes, I am existence that does not exist, I am alpha and omega, I am the center of the universe in which all existence cannot escape.  You cannot escape my wrath, Farnsworth.  You cannot handle the truth.

This email disgusts me.  You say that you can re-create me inside of a particle-smashing tunnel?  Haberdash!  How can you create that which consumes all of existence?  You cannot.  This is a silly musing that makes me laugh.  Here is my proposition to you and your little CERN tunnel:

Cease the operations of your silly play-toys, or else my extreme gravitational pull will eradicate all lifeforms of the universe.  Are you familiar with the spaghetti theory?  Yes, you will be hurled into a center of nothingness so fast that your entire being will be stretched so thin that you'll slip through a colander.  All humans will be pulled into my realm of destruction.  You think you can scamper to the South Pacific?  HA!  Even your sun will be blinked out.  I am unstoppable.  Rethink your craziness and perhaps I won't decide to consume you until another billion years passes.

Sincerely,

The Black Hole
Nowhere in the Middle of Nowhere

PS.  If you find Higgs-Boson, let him know he's a douche.

Secret Code

Reference Number: BEG/2551256008/07
You have won 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euros) Your electronic email address emerged as one of the Euro million on-line winning email sweepstakes program held on the 27th of September 2010 , in Brussels Belgium. Email Ticket Number X-3007893284-Z Reference Number: BEG/2551256008/07 Draw Lucky Number: 09-22-37-39-41-49-2-7 Batch Number: JPK14/0115/IP, Serial Number: HMML3214-07. Please note that the validity period of the winning is 27th of October 2010

CONTACT: Mr.Philipus Henks TEL: 0032-489-132-178

Reply to Email:euromillions2013@luckymail.com
NB: Please do not mail back through the alert email, contact Mr.Philipus Henks, via email:euromillions2013@luckymail.com

Sincerely,
Mrs. Angela Andreas

Response:

This is 34-Condor. 1137, do you read? This message is corrupt. The ducks are flying westward. The bell is in the pit, and the fireflies have left the garden. I repeat. The ducks are west. The bell is in. Fireflies have left.

Henks, are you contact 35? If 35, you can contact this: N31-DS6-THX-1138-D66-BSNC
Henks, repeat if viable option. 34-Condor out.

Not a good love

This infatuation with you is not going away. I've tried all I can to forget you but I simply can't. You are the love of my life. I'm sending you an eCard so you'll understand how special you are to me. Click here to see your ecard


Response:

I'm sorry Remus, but it was you or the gerbil.

Business

Good Day,
I have a Business Proposal of 24,500,000.00 for you to handle with me
please reply me for more information.Contact me on my email:
sflockhart@yahoo.com.hk
Regards,
S.A Flockhart.


Response:

Sorry baby, I only handle people that I meet in person.

M A Hooker

From Ellen Hubbard,
Ellen Orphanage Homes.
Dear Friend,
My name is Mrs. Ellen Hubbard, I wish to offer you a part-time job in which is of mutual benefit. I resigned from my job early last year as a research scientist for ARINI (Agricultural Research Institute of Northern Ireland) but still work part-time as a freelance consultant for the institute.My husband Mr. Dennis Hubbard and I presently reside at 4 Pasteur Gardens Edmonton London,N18 1JF England. However, due to the passion we have for children, we decided to run a humanitarian organization of saving the lives of the homeless and abandon children in order to contribute our quarter towards giving these Children's lives a meaning just as our God demanded of us to care for the homeless.

We presently have our orphanage homes in India, Somalia and Cotonou, Republic of Benin and we hope to get to other countries in time to come. We run this organization with the help of some individuals and companies who values the lives of these children and had made up their minds to send funds for their upkeeps.Most of our funding is from American friends whom we have solicited for their help and we are overwhelmed by their eagerness to send funds to us.

However we are finding it difficult receiving these funds as the bunch of the payments are in US based money orders and Checks which we find difficult to cash here in UK. To enable us receive all the donations, I wish to employ you on contract basis to be my payment representative back in the states, this way you will receive the Money Orders/Checks from our Donors, cash them easily, deduc 10% of the total amount in every payment as your commission and then send the rest back to me via Western Union wire transfer.

1. Receive Check/ Money Order payment from Clients
2. Cash Payments at your Bank
3. Deduct 10% which will be your percentage/pay on Payment processed.
4. Forward balance after deduction of percentage/pay to any of the
Offices you will be contacted to send payment to (Payment is to be forwarded either by Money Gram or Western Union Money Transfer).
HOW MUCH WILL YOU EARN?

10% from each operation! For instance: you receive 7000 USD via cheques or money orders on our behalf. You will cash the money and keep $700 (10% from $7000) for yourself! At this beginning, your commission will be 10% but willl increase as time goes on.
If you are interested in our offer, please reply directly to my Personal email address:
If you are interested with the job offer we will need you to furnish with this detailed information.
1)YOUR FULL NAMES: ................................................
2)CONTACT ADDRESS: ..................................................
3)DIRECT TELEPHONE ................................................
4)AGE & OCCUPATION:...............................................
Regards,
Mrs. Ellen Hubbard,
Ellen Orphanage Homes.


Dear Mrs. Ellen Hubbard,

How incredibly thoughtful of you to help the children. Yes, the children need our love. I myself am inclined to do such great works as what you have decided to pursue. Quite amazing indeed. Have I briefed you on what we here at American Nexus for Underappreciated Spawns do? We take the children in and give them hugs, yes. We give them meals made of love, we give them toys crafted from care. I myself had an absolutely WONDERFUL experience with a child last week.

You see, our beds here are made from the softest linens we can possibly buy, so it is quite tempting to sleep in the children's quarters. I myself find it quite an experience though. Last night I found our lost child Aaron lying in bed trying to go to sleep. Bless his heart, he was so lost and innocent-looking that I decided to climb in bed and snuggle up with some hot cocoa with him. I told him bedtime stories and I taught him about fun games with mice and gerbils.

Unfortunately I can't release my real identity, or else cops will come, raid my house, steal all my dirty magazines and then take my mice as well. I can only give you my first name--Michael. I do hope you find the proper person to take the money, dear. Have a lovely life.

Michael

The Bedroom Rat Chronicles, Part Two

I venture out with my knapsack to find my lost brother, Herb. I've never gone beyond the hole and, alas, the mother is far too old to do such things anymore.
The first step beyond was tame--many bushes, trees, leaves and smaller things buzzing around me. I was quite surprised to see such life outside the hole and it actually didn't seem so horrible. The grass was cool and the shaded sun was inviting. However, it wasn't out in the wild that Herb was lost. He was inside the house.

Inside of the window.

Near the giant.

Near the...guardian.

It was difficult to climb at first, but I was able to find substantial footing in the platforms. There were slight dips, almost like little rivers running through the platforms, and they were grey in color, but not fun to step into. I hated this method of getting inside, but for years my family tried to find a way in, only to end up creating a hole merely a few steps away from the first.

When I made it inside, I could tell I was in trouble. The immediate plop to the ground set the guardian to me at once, and only by the cover of a cold block could I escape. The thing was loud and metal, and when I sat near the hinged door, I could feel a freezing breeze. It was best to stay here, especially during the daylight.

Besides, the guardian's clawed swipe could not reach me under this behemoth. It was best to come out at night, although night and day here came at such odd intervals, as if the giant itself could command the sun to rise and fall at his entry and exit. I could hear his giant footsteps echoing throughout the floors, his portal would then open, and the sun would blink on at his command--such wizardry!

I'll stay here when I think that the guardian and giant have both left. I must find Herb!