Revival of ye olde blog with a BIG BANG.

Dear Friend,
How are you? I hope all is well with your family, friends and pets. I hope this urgent mail meets you in a perfect condition. We have no time to waste regarding the information I am about to tell you, it is an urgent and serious matter.
My name is Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth, senior data analyst here at the CERN institute based here in Geneva (http://public.web.cern.ch/public/). CERN, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, is one of the world’s largest and most respected centres for scientific research. Its business is fundamental physics, finding out what the Universe is made of and how it works. You may have seen on the news that, in recent days, our Large Hadron Collider machine has been colliding high-speed beams of energy in order to explore new physics and understand how the universe began. CERN have been adamant that this is safe, however I KNOW THE TRUTH.
The truth is that this experiment that CERN are conducting is extremely dangerous, and could cause global disaster. This experiment has a 95% of causing a black hole, thus swallowing a large area of the planet. The scientists do not want you to know this as they know it will cause panic. However, I can help you.
I am arranging for a number of selected people to be evacuated to a safe location on an island in the South Pacific via aeroplane. You have been selected from random to take part in this evacuation, thus continuing the survival of the human race.
Please, if you are interested, email me back immediately with the following information:
Full name:
Age:
Contact number:
Country:
Email address:
Please send all emails to my private box: From > ***Email removed***
Regards, and God bless.
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth

Mr. Fansworth,

You cannot handle the truth, Mr. Fansworth.  Here is why--I, unlike you, am a black hole.  Yes, I am existence that does not exist, I am alpha and omega, I am the center of the universe in which all existence cannot escape.  You cannot escape my wrath, Farnsworth.  You cannot handle the truth.

This email disgusts me.  You say that you can re-create me inside of a particle-smashing tunnel?  Haberdash!  How can you create that which consumes all of existence?  You cannot.  This is a silly musing that makes me laugh.  Here is my proposition to you and your little CERN tunnel:

Cease the operations of your silly play-toys, or else my extreme gravitational pull will eradicate all lifeforms of the universe.  Are you familiar with the spaghetti theory?  Yes, you will be hurled into a center of nothingness so fast that your entire being will be stretched so thin that you'll slip through a colander.  All humans will be pulled into my realm of destruction.  You think you can scamper to the South Pacific?  HA!  Even your sun will be blinked out.  I am unstoppable.  Rethink your craziness and perhaps I won't decide to consume you until another billion years passes.

Sincerely,

The Black Hole
Nowhere in the Middle of Nowhere

PS.  If you find Higgs-Boson, let him know he's a douche.